Who...
Did you ever get the feeling that you were wondering in a dream, lost from day to day with no clear conception of who you really are? Did you ever find yourself in the middle of a situation or a crowd and wonder how you got there? Sometimes I think we all have those Butterfly Effect moments where we snap to attention and ask, "How did I come to this?"
I had a similar moment today at work while I was outside, alone, merely thinking about life, God, and philosophy. As I worked, I realized just how hardened I've become, or am. I tend to feel alone sometimes. Maybe it is left over feelings between me and God over the year it's been. Maybe it is my struggle with knowing Him, understanding Him, and getting ahold of why the hell things are the way they are sometimes.
I long for peace sometimes... deeper peace.
The peace that you find in the image of a father holding his child. The peace that you find on a rainy saturday beside a fire with a book and not a care before you. The peace you find in familiar territory. Sometimes I long for a bubble, a special place of my design. A place where i never have to cope or care with the world around me.
But I don't really want that, not at all.
My struggle for something more has turned me into a philosopher, struggling with the agnostic / athiest minds of the university and world at large. Philosophy is no picnic if you believe in a God. It is brutal, lonely, and cold. There are few fellow believers to encourage you to stay true and press on.
I was talking with a friend last week (who was a music major) and he mentioned that half of the music students at his school were Christians. There was clear comradery that he shared with his colleagues in the music department. There was no massive struggle for what one believes in there, there is strength. I know only one other believer in the philosophy department at school. We are basically alone in this struggle for the mind.
There is a friend I have gained in the philosophy department. He and I have spent several hours talking about God, faith, and reason. He is agnostic, which means that he is not sure whether there is or isn't a God. We have talked about God, whether he is there, and how we can know. He gets frustrated when our teacher talks about God in a flippent manner, not regarding the fact that there might be an infinite God. He struggles with the concept of a leap of faith. "It is a leap," I said, "but it doesn't have to be a leap across a canyon, rather it can be a jump across a creek. Believing in God is not a blind step. It is a step that is based upon reason and science." He listens, he responds, he questions. He wants to know the truth, just as I. We want to know the truth. I think that I have found it, and he wants to test it out. It is foolish to blindly believe in what we want with no basis for that belief.
I am thankful for friends like this. They make the lonely walk worth it sometimes. In a place where God is laughed at and hated, I find some who are searching. I search, not to find God necessarily, for I have found Him and know Him. Rather, I search for the basis of these things that Christians take for granted. I find that I am moving towards the place that people like C. S. Lewis have been before me. A place of understanding what we can about God and wrestling with the rest.
It is a lonely road, yet, I think that the journey is going to be incredible. So pardon me please, if I come across as being caloused or bitter sometimes, I am working these things out. I approach everything differently that the average Best Buy consumer would. I think alot, not because I am a boring person or have nothing else to do, but rather because I find pleasure in it. Some people like watching TV, I like thinking.
Not many people understand the struggles of a philosopher. It is a stuggle that is fast becoming my own. A struggle that very well may engulf my life and be my mission field. The philosophers are lonely people, walking around, crawling to find truth, meaning, fulfillment. The Sunday School answers do not begin to satisfy, satisfaction comes after long struggles. Christians have serious problems engaging the philosophers on their level. I don't want that to be said of me.
Who am I.... Who I've become.
D <><
I had a similar moment today at work while I was outside, alone, merely thinking about life, God, and philosophy. As I worked, I realized just how hardened I've become, or am. I tend to feel alone sometimes. Maybe it is left over feelings between me and God over the year it's been. Maybe it is my struggle with knowing Him, understanding Him, and getting ahold of why the hell things are the way they are sometimes.
I long for peace sometimes... deeper peace.
The peace that you find in the image of a father holding his child. The peace that you find on a rainy saturday beside a fire with a book and not a care before you. The peace you find in familiar territory. Sometimes I long for a bubble, a special place of my design. A place where i never have to cope or care with the world around me.
But I don't really want that, not at all.
My struggle for something more has turned me into a philosopher, struggling with the agnostic / athiest minds of the university and world at large. Philosophy is no picnic if you believe in a God. It is brutal, lonely, and cold. There are few fellow believers to encourage you to stay true and press on.
I was talking with a friend last week (who was a music major) and he mentioned that half of the music students at his school were Christians. There was clear comradery that he shared with his colleagues in the music department. There was no massive struggle for what one believes in there, there is strength. I know only one other believer in the philosophy department at school. We are basically alone in this struggle for the mind.
There is a friend I have gained in the philosophy department. He and I have spent several hours talking about God, faith, and reason. He is agnostic, which means that he is not sure whether there is or isn't a God. We have talked about God, whether he is there, and how we can know. He gets frustrated when our teacher talks about God in a flippent manner, not regarding the fact that there might be an infinite God. He struggles with the concept of a leap of faith. "It is a leap," I said, "but it doesn't have to be a leap across a canyon, rather it can be a jump across a creek. Believing in God is not a blind step. It is a step that is based upon reason and science." He listens, he responds, he questions. He wants to know the truth, just as I. We want to know the truth. I think that I have found it, and he wants to test it out. It is foolish to blindly believe in what we want with no basis for that belief.
I am thankful for friends like this. They make the lonely walk worth it sometimes. In a place where God is laughed at and hated, I find some who are searching. I search, not to find God necessarily, for I have found Him and know Him. Rather, I search for the basis of these things that Christians take for granted. I find that I am moving towards the place that people like C. S. Lewis have been before me. A place of understanding what we can about God and wrestling with the rest.
It is a lonely road, yet, I think that the journey is going to be incredible. So pardon me please, if I come across as being caloused or bitter sometimes, I am working these things out. I approach everything differently that the average Best Buy consumer would. I think alot, not because I am a boring person or have nothing else to do, but rather because I find pleasure in it. Some people like watching TV, I like thinking.
Not many people understand the struggles of a philosopher. It is a stuggle that is fast becoming my own. A struggle that very well may engulf my life and be my mission field. The philosophers are lonely people, walking around, crawling to find truth, meaning, fulfillment. The Sunday School answers do not begin to satisfy, satisfaction comes after long struggles. Christians have serious problems engaging the philosophers on their level. I don't want that to be said of me.
Who am I.... Who I've become.
D <><
posted by David B at 5:38 PM
